#!/usr/bin/env python3
# StandupScript™ - Corporate Jargon Translator
# Usage: python standupscript.py "your_real_update"

import random

CORPORATE_TRANSLATIONS = {
    "stuck": ["conducted a strategic pivot", "initiated a paradigm reassessment", "orchestrated a holistic realignment"],
    "bug": ["identified an emergent behavioral pattern", "discovered a non-standard implementation", "encountered a feature divergence"],
    "fixed": ["implemented a robust solution", "deployed a comprehensive resolution", "executed a systematic remediation"],
    "nothing": ["orchestrated strategic planning", "conducted architectural contemplation", "performed ecosystem analysis"],
    "meeting": ["facilitated a collaborative synergy session", "hosted an alignment workshop", "conducted a stakeholder convergence"],
    "googled": ["conducted external research", "performed knowledge acquisition", "executed information synthesis"]
}

def corporate_translate(real_update):
    """Transform honest standup updates into corporate theater"""
    corporate_update = real_update.lower()
    
    for real_word, corp_options in CORPORATE_TRANSLATIONS.items():
        if real_word in corporate_update:
            replacement = random.choice(corp_options)
            corporate_update = corporate_update.replace(real_word, replacement)
    
    # Add corporate flourish
    flourishes = [
        "while ensuring stakeholder alignment",
        "with cross-functional collaboration",
        "driving synergistic outcomes",
        "optimizing for scalable impact"
    ]
    
    return corporate_update.capitalize() + ". " + random.choice(flourishes)

# Example usage
if __name__ == "__main__":
    real_update = "I was stuck on a bug, fixed it, then had meetings about nothing"
    corporate_version = corporate_translate(real_update)
    print(f"Real: {real_update}")
    print(f"Corporate: {corporate_version}")

The Daily Standup: A Ritual of Performative Productivity

Let's be honest. The daily standup is less about synchronization and more about performance art. It's where we take the chaotic, nonlinear reality of software development—the debugging marathons, the dependency hell, the meetings that could have been emails—and compress it into a tidy, three-act corporate narrative: "Yesterday I...", "Today I will...", "Blockers: none (please don't ask follow-up questions)."

The pressure is immense. You can't just say, "I wrestled with the same race condition for six hours and now I hate computers." You must say you "performed a comprehensive analysis of asynchronous execution flows." You didn't "get stuck because the docs are wrong"; you "identified a knowledge gap and initiated a collaborative deep-dive into the underlying paradigm." It's exhausting. We spend more mental cycles wordsmithing our update than we did on the work itself. This isn't agility; it's improv class for people who'd rather be compiling.

From Git Log to Corporate Jargon: The StandupScript™ Magic

I built StandupScript™ - AI-Powered Daily Standup Generator to solve this soul-crushing translation layer. Why should you manually upgrade "fixed a bug" to "implemented a robust remediation for a previously unidentified edge case"? Let the machine do it. The tool works by ingesting your actual activity—your git commits, your calendar events, even your branch names—and applying a sophisticated corporate thesaurus. It's like having a tiny, cynical PR manager living in your terminal.

Behind the satire, it's genuinely useful. It saves you 5-10 minutes every morning, reduces standup anxiety, and ensures you never blank when it's your turn. It also provides hilarious yet startlingly accurate insights into how your real work gets sanitized for corporate consumption. The AI doesn't just paraphrase; it contextualizes. A series of small, frustrating commits becomes "iteratively de-risked the implementation approach." A day of meetings becomes "orchestrated cross-functional alignment sessions."

How to Use It: Automate Your Daily Performance

Getting started is simpler than explaining to your PM why a "quick fix" took three days. Clone the repo, install the dependencies, and point it at your project. The basic command scans your recent git history and today's calendar to generate your update.

# Install and run
$ npm install -g standup-script
$ cd /path/to/your/repo
$ standup-script generate --buzzword-level high

# Example output:
"Yesterday, I synergized with the backend API contract,
leveraged a new paradigm for data fetching, and conducted
a deep dive into cache invalidation strategies. Today,
I'll be pioneering the integration layer. No blockers."

The real magic is in the flags. Use --mode emergency when you genuinely did nothing (it outputs things like "executed a strategic pause for context refresh"). Use --export slack to send it directly to your team's channel, bypassing your own conscience entirely. Check out the full source code on GitHub for all the options, including the beautifully over-engineered "corporate jargon probability matrix."

Key Features: Your Buzzword Toolkit

• Git-Powered Reality Distortion: Generates plausible-sounding standup updates based on your actual git commits and calendar. No more forgetting that one merge commit from 4:59 PM.
• Blocked? Never. Strategically Pivoting? Always: Auto-detects when you're blocked (e.g., same branch for 48+ hours) and suggests 'strategic pivots' and 'deep dives' instead of the embarrassing 'stuck.'
• Corporate Buzzword Injection Engine: Includes mandatory vocabulary upgrades: 'synergized', 'leveraged', 'paradigm-shifted', 'holistic', 'robust', and 'granular.' Adjustable intensity.
• One-Click Export to Slack/Teams: Because typing it out yourself is so 2023. Send your AI-crafted narrative directly to the digital stage.
• Emergency Mode: For when you actually did nothing yesterday. Generates classics like "focused on architectural blue-sky thinking" or "conducted industry research."

Conclusion: Reclaim Your Morning, Surrender to the Buzzwords

StandupScript™ won't fix the inherent absurdity of performative status culture. But it will automate your participation in it, saving you time and preserving your sanity. It turns a daily chore into a slightly humorous, fully automated process. You get to focus on coding, while your AI avatar handles the corporate storytelling.

So, stop spending your best mental energy on verbal gymnastics. Try StandupScript™ today. Your future self, sipping coffee while the tool drafts your "synergistic, leverage-focused update," will thank you. Remember, in the modern workplace, it's not about what you did—it's about how you synergistically paradigm-shift the narrative around it.