def conduct_climate_talks(agenda_items, fossil_fuel_topics):
    """
    Master algorithm for achieving 100% success rate at avoiding fossil fuel discussions.
    Returns a final agreement that looks substantive while changing absolutely nothing.
    """
    
    # Step 1: Identify all fossil fuel-related keywords
    avoidance_keywords = ['oil', 'coal', 'gas', 'fossil', 'extraction', 'phase-out']
    
    # Step 2: Create distraction topics
    distraction_topics = [
        'carbon offset mechanisms',
        'future technology partnerships',
        'voluntary corporate pledges',
        '2050 theoretical frameworks',
        'working group formations'
    ]
    
    # Step 3: Core avoidance logic
    final_agreement = []
    
    for item in agenda_items:
        if any(keyword in item.lower() for keyword in avoidance_keywords):
            # Redirect to distraction topic
            distraction = random.choice(distraction_topics)
            final_agreement.append(f"Re-framed '{item}' as: {distraction}")
        else:
            # Keep non-threatening items
            final_agreement.append(item)
    
    # Step 4: Add obligatory vague commitments
    final_agreement.append("Commit to 'exploring pathways'")
    final_agreement.append("Acknowledge 'urgency' without deadlines")
    final_agreement.append("Establish committee to discuss future discussions")
    
    # Step 5: Generate press release
    press_release = "Historic breakthrough achieved. " \
                   "All parties committed to ambitious, forward-looking framework. " \
                   "Process praised as most inclusive yet."
    
    return {
        'success_rate': 1.0,  # 100%
        'fossil_fuel_mentions': 0,
        'agreement': final_agreement,
        'press_statement': press_release,
        'actual_change': 0.0
    }

# Usage example:
topics = ['Reducing emissions', 'Oil dependency', 'Coal plants', 'Renewable energy']
result = conduct_climate_talks(topics, fossil_fuel_topics=True)
print(f"Success Rate: {result['success_rate']*100}%")
print(f"Fossil Fuel Mentions: {result['fossil_fuel_mentions']}")

The Ultimate Vibe-Check Fail

Let's set the scene. You gather the world's leaders in a city experiencing the very climate catastrophes you're there to solve. It's like holding an AA meeting in a distillery because the parking was convenient. The heat was so oppressive delegates probably wished they could offset their carbon emissions by fanning themselves with hundred-dollar bills. Then came the flooding, a not-so-subtle reminder from Mother Nature that she's done waiting for the beta release of 'Sustainable Humanity 2.0.'

The pièce de résistance was, of course, the fire. A literal, actual fire broke out and delayed negotiations. You can't make this up. It's as if the planet hired a particularly aggressive theatrical director. "No, no, you're not getting the theme! Let me make it clearer for you. ACT ONE: HEAT. ACT TWO: WATER. ACT THREE: FIRE. The subtext isn't subtle, people!"

The Tech Industry Parallel No One Asked For

Watching these talks unfold is eerily similar to watching a tech giant's annual developer conference. There's the same breathless announcement of ambitious, distant goals ("Net Zero by 2050!" is the new "Fully Autonomous Vehicles by 2020!"). There's the same focus on peripheral, easier-to-solve issues—endless panels on carbon capture startups (the climate equivalent of blockchain-for-everything) while carefully sidestepping the core business model of burning stuff for money.

The final agreement is the ultimate piece of corporate-speak. It's the "we're exploring a range of options" of international diplomacy. It's the "synergistic alignment toward future-facing energy solutions" instead of "maybe stop digging up and burning ancient plant matter." It has the actionable specificity of a LinkedIn influencer's post about "leveraging your core competencies."

Innovation Theater: Climate Edition

Much like the tech world's obsession with "innovation theater"—flashy demos that solve no real problems—the climate circuit has perfected "mitigation theater." We get dazzling renders of futuristic green cities and promises of green hydrogen planes, all while the foundational infrastructure of our civilization remains welded to the 19th-century technology of setting hydrocarbons on fire.

The most advanced piece of technology on display wasn't a new solar panel or grid battery. It was the cognitive dissonance engine required to sit in a flooded, burning, sweltering conference center and draft a document that treats fossil fuels with the delicacy of a UX designer avoiding a dark pattern. "We recognize the need for a transition... at some point... maybe... driven by market forces... and innovation... definitely not by us telling the oil companies to stop."

The Data Doesn't Lie (But Diplomats Try)

Let's look at the metrics, because what's a tech column without some data? Success rate for holding a conference: 100%. Success rate for experiencing climate-related disruptions at said conference: 100%. Success rate for producing a final text with the words "phase out" in relation to fossil fuels: 0%. It's a perfect track record of addressing everything except the problem.

It's the ultimate agile pivot. The MVP (Minimal Viable Planet) is failing its key performance indicators, but instead of iterating on the core product, the development team (global governments) has decided to focus on building a new, more complicated dashboard to visualize the failure in real-time.

What's Next: The Roadmap to Nowhere

So what does the path forward look like? Based on the Belem playbook, we can expect next year's talks to be held in a location currently on fire, with a side-event on fireproof suits sponsored by an oil major. The agenda will feature 47 panels on the ethics of carbon accounting and 12 workshops on communicating climate anxiety, while the main plenary will debate whether the word "urgent" is too confrontational for the final text.

The tech industry's role in this farce is to provide the shiny objects that distract from the core issue. Behold, the AI-powered carbon footprint tracker for your individual lifestyle! Marvel at the blockchain-based carbon credit marketplace! Ignore the fact that 70% of global emissions come from 100 companies, a fact more inconvenient than a software update deleting your files.

We've optimized the wrong variables. We've built incredible efficiency into debating the problem. We can now host a carbon-neutral conference about climate change that is itself disrupted by climate change. That's not a bug; it's the whole feature set.