The GPU Arms Race: Because Your Current Card Was Perfectly Fine

Nvidia's press conference was a masterclass in making the unnecessary feel essential. CEO Jensen Huang appeared on stage holding what looked like a small car engine and declared it the RTX 6090 'Titan.' According to the presentation, this $2,499 behemoth can render '16K textures at 480 frames per second while simultaneously training three large language models and brewing your morning coffee.'

The catch? The demos were all running on 'pre-production hardware' in a climate-controlled room with what appeared to be industrial-grade cooling. Meanwhile, back in reality, the card requires a dedicated 1600-watt power supply and generates enough heat to qualify as a secondary heating source for your home. Huang spent considerable time explaining how the card's AI upscaling can turn 1080p content into 'something approaching reality,' which raises the question: if we wanted reality, wouldn't we just go outside?

AMD's Counterpunch: More Cores, More Problems

Not to be outdone, AMD unveiled their 'Venice' architecture, promising 'up to 300% performance gains in synthetic benchmarks.' The key phrase here being 'synthetic benchmarks' - those magical tests that somehow never translate to your actual workflow. Their new Threadripper 9999X features 256 cores, because apparently, 128 cores just wasn't enough for checking email and having 47 Chrome tabs open.

During the demo, an AMD engineer showed the chip rendering a complex 3D scene while simultaneously transcoding 8K video and running a physics simulation. The audience applauded. What they didn't show was the $800 cooling solution required to prevent the chip from melting through the motherboard, or the fact that 99% of users will never utilize more than 10% of its capabilities.

Razer's AI Oddities: Because Gaming Wasn't Stressful Enough

Razer took the 'AI everything' mandate and ran with it straight into the uncanny valley. Their new 'Synapse AI' platform claims to 'enhance your gaming experience through emotional intelligence.' Translation: your mouse now judges your performance.

• The 'Kraken AI' headset analyzes your voice for 'stress indicators' and plays calming music when you're tilted
• The 'Basilisk AI' mouse features 'performance feedback' that makes the scroll wheel harder to turn when you're missing shots
• The 'Huntsman AI' keyboard lights up different colors based on your 'typing emotional state' (angry red for rage-quit messages)

CEO Min-Liang Tan proudly announced that these features 'bring a new dimension to gaming.' What he didn't mention is that most gamers already have plenty of dimensions to deal with, like actually trying to win the game rather than having their peripherals offer unsolicited therapy sessions.

Sony's Predictive TV: Because Free Will Is Overrated

Sony's big reveal was the Bravia AI Predictive Edition, a television that 'learns your viewing habits and suggests content before you even know you want it.' The demo showed a TV automatically switching from a cooking show to a car chase scene because the AI detected 'decreased engagement metrics.'

'Imagine never having to choose what to watch again!' the presenter enthused. Yes, imagine that. Imagine surrendering your entertainment choices to an algorithm that thinks because you watched one episode of a baking competition, you want to see every cooking show ever made. The TV also features 'ambient mood lighting' that matches the on-screen content, because apparently, watching 'The Godfather' isn't immersive enough without your living room turning crime-drama orange.

The Rest of the Madness

Beyond the major players, CES 2026 featured the usual parade of 'innovation' that makes you wonder if we've peaked as a species:

• Smart Toilet 2.0 from Kohler now features 'bowel movement analysis' and connects to your health app. Because nothing says 'privacy' like your toilet tweeting about your fiber intake.
• AI-Powered Refrigerator that orders groceries automatically. The demo failed when it tried to order 12 gallons of milk because someone left the door open for 30 seconds.
• Self-Cleaning Earbuds that use UV light to 'eliminate 99.9% of bacteria.' Because the real problem with wireless earbuds was definitely hygiene, not the fact that they get lost in couch cushions.

The Underlying Problem Nobody's Solving

What's most telling about CES 2026 isn't what was shown, but what wasn't. Nobody unveiled a laptop battery that actually lasts all day. Nobody solved the 'why do I need 17 different charging cables' problem. Nobody made a printer that just works without requiring a blood sacrifice to the IT gods.

Instead, we got more power, more AI, more features, and more complexity. The tech industry has become like a chef who only knows how to add more ingredients rather than actually improving the recipe. 'Just add AI!' has become the new 'just add blockchain!' - a magical solution in search of problems that mostly don't exist.